Our New Shoes

I love shoe shopping. I get this from both of my parents. My mom has a closet full of cute shoes. Shoes so cute I can't wait to visit just so I can raid her closet and see what is new and what I should try. My dad also loves to shoe shop (I don't even think he realizes this). However, I did one day when we were walking by the "Walking Store" in the mall when he told me not to let the salesperson see him because whenever she does he ends up walking out with several new pairs of shoes! Both my parents have caused a problem for my husband - he has a wife and daughter who love shoes!

Never did I imagine I would be walking in the new pair of shoes I have been given. These are shoes you don't buy from the store, these are shoes that you hope you never have to wear. These are shoes that you are given, shoes you will always wear and you shoes you wear with so much grief, but at the same time so much pride, thankfulness and love.

On November 17, 2012 our second baby girl, Sophia Ann Allen was born. She was born 5 week premature. I thought we were "just" having a premie who would need some assistance in the NICU before she was able to join us at home. A week after she was born we were given the diagnose that she had Full Trisomy 13. We were devastated, but at the same time so thankful God had given us the chance to hold her and love her. The Lord took her into His arms on December 3, 2012.  Her story is long, and as I continue blogging about our journey in these new shoes, I will continue to share parts of her life, but for now I will concentrate on today.

Today, I find myself like I do most days. A mix of emotions. Most of the time I feel good (well, as good as any mommy can feel who is missing her baby). I try to focus on the good of all of this. Sophia was prayed for before she was even conceived. We were blessed to know her. Many trisomy 13 babies don't even make it out of the first trimester, and if they do it is very rare they will be born alive.

Simple things are what make me sad though. Today Isabel and I went to the grocery store for the first just the two of us since mid-Novemeber. As I pulled in the parking lot at Giant Eagle I immediately thought about how I was "suppose" to have two little girls in my car doing this with. I should be nervous about how I am going to handle my two little girls in the store. I should be carrying in the infant car seat and holding Isabel's hand. Well that was my plan, how I thought things were "suppose" to work out, not God's plan. God's plan was something completely different. I find myself so many times wanting to ask God, "Why?" But I know it does not help, I will probably never know the full reason as to way Sophia was given to us only to be taken away so quickly.

The emotion comes on so quickly, I at times am not prepared for it. It is so raw and painful. It literally feels like my heart is broken in two. But then I remember God is faithful. We prayed for Sophia. We prayed for her to not miscarry, as I have had two previous miscarriages. He answered our prayers and gave us our angel. And as much as I miss her, I would never trade my time with her to ease the pain of missing her. I am so grateful for the time I had with her, and would not trade that for anything.

I will continue posting in our blog so you all can get to know Sophia and her life a little better, and also stay up to date on how we are doing as a family.

These shoes are not shoes I would have requested, but now that I have them I would not trade them for because of these new shoes I wear, I had the chance to hold, kiss, hug and love an angel for 16 days.